Football has a celebrated one-game format for playoff advancement, but that means gameplay doesn’t deliver a story like a seven-game series in baseball or hockey might. So, viewers are left to accept the story told about the game entirely outside of the game, and then burst with reaction relative to that story once the action begins. Fans get out of football only what they’re primed to expect–making the unexpected such an outsized feature of the experience. Baseball is enjoyable to a neutral observer, and withstands biased commentating. Happy New Year! This year, football still sucks!
Isn’t football at its best when played at a sub-pro level, like collegiate Division II, where the players and referees, in their imperfection and modest talent, embody what football is: a flawed, goofy novelty? Across the sports leagues, we see the basketball is utterly predictable, hockey is–to its credit–still a bit of an enigma, and football doesn’t have anything worth predicting. Baseball winter talks leave us craving the day-to-day performance of our favorite teams. You can’t say that about football, but we can say that it sucks!
Football is ungovernable! A late game drive by the Lions featuring 8 runs into the defensive line, three late-call penalties, a QB stuff touchdown, booth replay and a frustrated player on the Chiefs chucking a ref’s flag into the stands leaves the impression that this game is out of any official’s hands! Football’s zazz gets so dense and heavy, its rotten core can’t support this artificially puffed-up spectacle and causes the sport to degrade and lose viewership. Why? You know why–it sucks!!
Football co-opts common sayings and conventional wisdom as if the sport represents reality, like the way they say “he made it look easy,” but it’s a fallacy, because the play was actually easy! In baseball, no play is easy, but players achieve wonderful feats of apparent simplicity amid difficult circumstances. And, can you believe that NFL games feature a near 1:1 ratio of plays to commercials!? What a joke. It’s so unwatchable! Suck it football!
Football is so aesthetically deficient that it features a play known as a “fade pass,” in which a player’s feet determine a touchdown call at the back of the end zone, but at the front end, at the pylon, the ball is the determining object. Inconsistent much? And, as the NFL experiments with new video game-like camera angles, are they winning fans or just exposing their weaknesses? We’ll let you decide!
Football is boring these days–with its lower ratings and analytical color commentators–so this podcast cranks up the zany banter and tampers with its usual rambunctious format! Much fun is had with a random harkening of jingles, erasing the trauma incurred by mere mention of football’s absurd, calamitous underperformance. All you need to know is football gives us nothing, and is boring and pointless!!! Suck it football!
With numerous sports leagues promoting their playoffs as “the real season,” and players taking it easy during the regular season, why watch? Why play? The church doors open with an illustration of why, in football, “the end is near.” The end is near for players’ health, coaches’ jobs, and the season. That’s why NFL can constantly throw itself a party with streamers and fireworks as if it were going away! We wish it would go away! For good!
Hear why the frantic camerawork of World Series television directors is pulled from the bag of atrocious football gimmicks, and why its seeming effect of ‘excitement’ divulges football’s weakness. Find out why football is in love with itself (and hear a new jingle)! How desperate is football to prove itself big, bad, and important, that it has to implicate itself into the federal court system to solve its problems? Pretty desperate, and pretty sucky!
The boys are still roiling from the Nationals’ horrifically calamitous playoff exit, and they expel their upset feelings in today’s podcast. But, ‘upset,’ in football, means something different: it’s usually when a worse team beats a better team. How do you predict anything in an unpredictable sport? Doesn’t measuring football only glorify–and validate–the upper crust of the sport (commentators, officials, etc.)? And, despite all the talk of appreciating the art of baseball, it’s still incredibly difficult to take your focus off of winning. No matter what, you lose! Just like football! Arghh!
The playoffs are here and the boys reflect on their trip to Nationals Park for game 1 of the NLDS. The trusty ballpark programming, gags, and features that sustained us all summer have turned dim, or faded, as if the summer had sun-bleached them and are now too weak to power the new playoff atmosphere. Also, the ‘error’ in baseball describes a world where players execute the sport as it was intended, to the delight of fans, but football is often a game where the unexpectedly good and unexpectedly bad things happen–and that’s somehow a good thing!? It’s a sucky thing!